I am not sure of what I’m thinking any more. To be honest I feel as if I’m at a strange point in my life. I want things to come to pass in my life but I don’t want to waste the moment on wishing for something else.
Want to know the scary thing?
I have had a little checklist in my mind of three things that I have wanted since childhood. These three things were my definition of being an adult.
Two have come to pass. They came so very suddenly and it makes my head spin to think of it. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but where did the time go?
I had dreamed of them for so long and here they are!
Number three is all I lack. And I believe it could come any day now. It frightens me because it will come suddenly as well.
I won’t even see it coming. A smile and a small conversation to pass time. A sudden surge and a connection.
A snap of the fingers.
What happens then? Do I have to abort my childlike thoughts in preparation of guiding other child like thoughts?
It’s not that I don’t love the idea of being a part of two wholes, but at the same time I have my doubts.
Will he love me when I don’t love myself? Will he consider that I’ve never done this whole independent thing before? Will he understand that sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I need to have a good cry or go for a walk? Will he get that I’m new at the whole not being a loner thing?
Again, change doesn’t bother me. Life doesn’t scare me. I’m just concerned about the time I have now.
Am I wasting it or am I on course?
Well, I suppose I will find out soon enough.
Loads of Love,