Guide to Dating an INFJ


I have noticed lately that most of my search engine terms on my stats menu have mostly been about INFJs and their relationships ranging from “INFJ women” to “how to know if an INFJ loves you.” Well ladies and gents, I decided to compile a skeletal outline of basic INFJ needs and wants in a relationship.

No, I’m not a psychologist or an MBTI expert. I’ve just been a female INFJ for over twenty years so I suppose that gives me some say in the matter. (Wink.)

So without further ado, let’s get this show on the road!

1. Think small and intimate- Most relationships of today are posted on social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc. One of the first things you should know about INFJs is that we are very private people.

If you are dating an INFJ just know that more often than not, she may not be in to the whole “hey look we have a stinking perfect relationship so I bought her a puppy for Christmas and we post pictures together every five minutes to post them on Instagram so people know that we are so happy together and things are just peachy” thing. That doesn’t mean that we don’t appreciate the occasional photo or mushy post. It’s just that an INFJs happiness in a relationship doesn’t have to be broadcasted to everyone in the world. A relationship involves two people. Not two and everyone on your newsfeed.

2. The deeper the thought the better- INFJs are notorious for being deep thinkers. I have been told my whole life that I simply think too much about everything. Well, they are correct. Naturally, deep thinkers prefer something that goes beyond shallow traditions and going along with the crowd. For example, my ideal date would be going to an art museum or gallery and going to a small (emphasis on small) café or restaurant to just casually chat and unwind. This probably isn’t much of a date for most people. Kind of sounds like a fifth grade field trip, huh? But I suppose that’s just me.

I’m not in to extremely loud, crowded venues for a first date. It’s shaking enough to leave the comfort of my house to meet a total stranger to see if they could my match for all eternity. (Cue dramatic music.) INFJs prefer places that have smaller crowds and that have intriguing surroundings. We tend to analyze people too, so don’t be surprised if we glance at every person in the room at least once. It’s just a general scan.

3. If you’re not in, get out- INFJs are big on commitment. If you’re looking for a one night stand or some casual waste-of-time fling then it is best that you just leave. INFJs get emotionally invested with people they get to know well and they prefer solid, caring relationships that will last the long haul. (I suppose that’s the J in us.) I am not looking for a Tindr or Hot or Not relationship based solely on physical appearance and lust.

INFJs want a relationship that goes beyond physical that allows both people to truly know each other and be there no matter what happens. Beauty is fleeting. The heart is eternal.

4. Slow and steady wins the race- Okay, this one is really important. This one can make or break your interest. INFJs open up at an extremely slow pace. You won’t see all of the real me on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. It takes true patience to truly get to know an INFJ.

It’s not necessarily that INFJs want to be mysterious or difficult. I’ve tried to open myself up at a quicker rate but it only resulted in making me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I had to walk away from the situation and come back when I was ready. I know I have always been obscure and guarded but the people that were willing to wait on me are the ones I would take bullets for.

We live in a fast paced world with a fast food religion that screams “Give it to me now!” that simply refuses to wait on anything. That’s usually why INFJs purposely stay on the dating sidelines.

5. Green is not my color- Another very important point: DON’T MAKE AN INFJ JEALOUS.


It’s not a good practice in general, but especially not with an INFJ. If you are dying because you are missing your INFJ please do not try to replace them with someone “bigger and better” to try to rub it in. Just tell them how you feel. Believe me. That works so much better.

A jealous INFJ is a dangerous INFJ. Anytime someone has made me jealous to try and get me to notice them it has blown up in their face. I hoard those feelings of resentment and ignore the torture completely. I will not try to “win them back.” If anything I slam the door in their face and move on.

INFJs are sensitive people who keep their feelings all bottled up. If I feel that someone I care about has found someone else that has replaced me I am immediately hurt. That hurt festers and results in spite and silence. I don’t show up at doorsteps to show myself off in that black dress you loved so much. I just recluse in my own corner and shut you out.


So unless you want to never speak to me again, please keep the jealousy games out of the equation.

These are just a few things that I could think of that I have noticed in INFJs. I hope that this has given some insight on how an INFJ feels. And please keep in mind that not every INFJ is the same. MBTI is merely a blueprint of human personality. Results may vary.

Have a good one wherever you are and stay ever so incredible!

Loads of Love,


9 thoughts on “Guide to Dating an INFJ

  1. This post is spot-on. It comically reminds me of the frustrations I experience with my ESFP Dad and his cavemanesque ideas about relationships; he wants to make a skirt-chaser out of me.

    • Thank you! I’m glad you like it. And I’ve had a few extroverted friends who try to make me to be as aggressive as they are. Years of pressing and prodding haven’t worked though. 🙂

      Have a good one!

    • Most importantly just be yourself. INFJs are attracted yo genuine people and chances are if they are already agreeing to go out with you they see something with potential. INFJs are excellent planners and do not tend to waste time on relationships that are shallow or conventional. Good luck! 🙂

  2. Hi, I am a male INFJ and I know this ISFJ girl since two weeks now. We got on really, really, extremely well, spending the whole weekend together when we barely knew each other. And then for some reason she needs alone time, cancels our dinner at home and plays the jealousy game, into which I fall head first. I then realise it’s actually just like a test for her: she wants to know how much I care about her. On the second chapter of the game (after few text messages), I say to her that she is free to do anything she likes and so do I and that she got me good and I’ve just been stupid really to fall into jealousy, all of which I actually mean, that made her react by praising me on how mature I am to recognise it that quickly and blah blah. So now she has her answer: I care about her or at least at some point I really *cared* about her. I now feel disengaged from the relationship and I am going to see her tomorrow just to check out the situation as all of this happened by text sms. One word comes to my mind : manipulation. Lots of blogs advise to ignore/laugh off the jealousy game that some girls play to get attention, the thing is I now genuinely don’t care anymore at all. There you go girls, INFJ are sensitive and tough at the same time and do not hesitate to sweep off a relationship when this little confidence tricks are played on us.

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