The Notorious INFJ Door Slam

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I’ve noticed that several people have been curious about the INFJ Door Slam. I wasn’t aware this action was specific to INFJs. I thought everyone did it. But I guess you learn something new every day, right?

So I thought I would write about my current experience with the INFJ Door Slam. I’ve only had to do it a handful of times. I don’t particularly take joy in doing it. Actually, it’s quite a painful process for me because that person probably meant the world to me. I can’t speak for all INFJs, but when I slam the door on someone I try to forget about it as much as I can.

I usually door slam for two reasons:

1. A person has severely hurt someone I love or myself and there is no use in continuing the relationship due to a lack of human sympathy or conscience from the other party.

2. Someone has continued to push me out of their life and I feel I can no longer connect to that person because they have built a wall between us.

If it is for the first reason I can honestly say it’s not so hard. Do I necessarily hate that person? I suppose not. If it’s for the second reason it literally rips my insides out. I don’t feel like myself for a few days and I never forget it.

Let’s look at the first reason for a minute. I tend to respond faster if someone is hurting someone I love than if I am being hurt. For some reason I have a metaphorical line that someone would have to cross before I do something about it. But once you cross that line, you are dead to me. Keep in mind this is only if someone has repeatedly hurt me and is doing it with the sole intent of wounding me. Again, I can’t speak for all INFJs, but I know that I tend to be more on the quite, meek side. I know that when people see me they think they can easily take advantage of me.

What those people fail to understand is that beneath that “sweet, naïve” exterior is a temper that can wreak havoc if necessary. Once I break down, there is no going back. I inflict pain in any and every way I can. I can only think of a few times this has ever happened. I try not to get to this point because it exhausts me physically, mentally and especially emotionally. I prefer to just cut the person off completely and go on. There are hardly any emotional ties that make me want to stay. Only lots of anger and disdain.

The second reason is slightly harder. If I get to know someone better and once I establish a connection with them, it never leaves. I can’t just destroy that because I want to. However, if I feel as if I am being belittled or ignored in the relationship I will head to the door. This has happened to me very recently. As in yesterday.

For the past few months I have been talking to someone and getting to know them. This person, I believe is an ESFP. (Weird combo, huh?) Well, long story short, I was investing more than the other party was. I asked questions, supported, and helped said person but I didn’t get much of anything in return. It’s as if no matter what I did for them I was always pushed in the background. I will take this for so long, and yesterday was the straw that broke this camel’s weary back. I tried to reach out to this person after days of no communication.

They ignored me. Three strikes, you’re out, kiddo. I am done. Do I hate this person? Absolutely not. But they have things they need to work out in their life before we could ever have a meaningful relationship. I feel for this person because they have a pretty messed up life to be frank. So I guess the brush off was a blessing in disguise because I would most likely have drowned trying to save them.

Would I have been willing to help them? Of course. I stayed up for hours talking, asking questions and reassuring this person. But apparently something else caught their wavering eye. And that’s okay. Life’s too short to be anything but happy, right? Now that I’ve moved on and closed the door I can finally live. I don’t have to constantly reevaluate where I stand in the relationship. I can do my own thing without babysitting. This is freedom and it’s all mine!

This doesn’t mean that I’ll never be there for that person, but it does mean that I will consider my needs before theirs. (And to be honest, if they would only be good to themselves they would be much happier too.) So I guess in this instance, I quietly closed the door instead of slamming it.

I hope this post has answered any questions you may have had. This is just my experiences and how I feel at the moment. Again, this is not an INFJ overgeneralization post, just personal experience.

Have a fantastic day and stay ever so amazing!

Loads of Love,
Kate
xoxo

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41 thoughts on “The Notorious INFJ Door Slam

  1. Can definitely relate to this. There definitely gets to be a point where keeping up a relationship is not worth it to me anymore. A lot if people don’t understand this, but for me–well, I only have enough energy to exert towards other people as it is and I’m not going to try to invest that energy into a relationship that is no longer worth it in my mind!

  2. Hey. Another INFJ here. I’ve just stumbled into your blog and you made me introspect about Doorslaming. I can only conclude I’m just so bad at dealing with conflict that I do all my best to solve everything before it comes to the final Door slam. It’s easier than confronting the other party when you’re hurt, no matter what made you feel that way in first place. The main reason I doorslam is when I give up making efforts for people who don’t make any for me. If I’d just tell them how I feel, it would sound like a tantrum or call for attention, but they would be wrong about it. When I doorslam, it’s exactly when I don’t need any kinds of attention. Thanks for your post 🙂

  3. as a INFJ i have only had to do this once, its a very hard thing to do but sometimes people give you no option. Really like your blog some great advice on it, Glad i found it 🙂

  4. I have read a lot about INFJs not wanting conflict and due to that, having the propensity to stay in a failing relationship despite knowing that it is failing but when I read your post about the INFJ Door Slam, I was like – oh yeah. I don’t like conflict and get heart palpitations when I have to confront an issue but that doesn’t mean as INFJs, we’re like door mats. If you’ve done something I’m super uncomfortable with, I will address it (sleepless nights and puffy eyed mornings and a few drafts of the ‘confrontation speech’) and try and understand how we can work at it together i.e. takes two to clap etc. But if you’ve hurt me enough, I’ll just say no and goodbye. So while the ‘overgeneralisation caveat’ is noted, this personal experience of yours so resonated with me.

  5. This is really accurate actually, and it’s so accurate over genders. I happen to be a guy and an infj and i did this to somebody several months ago. Even though this comment is late i’d like to thank you for writing this up. I intend to show this to a friend so they can better understand why i door slam. Again thanks, much apperciated.

  6. Thank you for writing this post! I recognized many things, especially the second ‘type’ of door slam you described. I had to do this recently because I was poring way more energy into the friendship than she ever had. I feel very torn up about it—it’s so much easier to cut someone out when they offend you outright than when they ignore you (which might have several reasons, none of them necessarily anything to do with you). But I’ve forgiven her over and over and over again simply because I valued the friendship so much. And when we were together, we always had a good time. She’s never given me any reason to call the friendship ‘toxic,’ but it was the lack of communication which finally got to me. And when I’m done, I’m done.

  7. The dreaded door slam.
    Alas, the second version is the one I have done recently. It’s not easy. It’s like I don’t think the other person is even aware of how much effort we (infj’s) put into things. But we are VERY aware of it. Maybe I expect too much from others? But I truly don’t think I do. I try so hard to be understanding and forgiving. I do try and communicate things first before this happens. Some people just don’t appreciate things until it’s gone. Oh well.
    :: insert cold icy gaze here ::
    que maniacal laughter

  8. Thanks for writing about this. I think one problem with INFJ is that they can try to be SO understanding of a situation or person, when others are less understanding have long left the building!!! Then comes the dreaded day of final or continued hurtful words or attack. It leaves the INFJ no choice but to “Slam the Door” I guess. But you are right, it is v painful, as its usually someone you have admired or liked a lot.

  9. INFJ here, and I have “door slammed” quite a number of times over the years. But mine are subtle and quiet. I simply dissipate of sorts from the individual(s) in question. If confronted, while I generally am a huge harmony seeker and afraid of conflict, I calmly and rationally tell the person why I walked away and why that fact isn’t going to change. I then “exit” the individual once again and go on with life.

  10. wow this is spot on! i recently also doorslammed an ENTP and quietly closed the door at an ESFP (similar to your story). it’s always a matter of compassion vs boundaries. thanks for writing this. i feel like a ‘normal’ infj now…

  11. Hi Kattie!

    Thank you for this post. To be frank, I did this last night to an acquaintance of mine and it’s painful. Whenever I try to reach him, I just get the cold shoulder. The reason why I even want to talk to him in the first place it’s because I want to affirm his life problems and help him heal his past wounds (an INFJ instinct). After foolishly attempting to get in touch with him several times, I’ve decided to do myself the favor and just let him go. I don’t know if he’ll ever know that I’ve always wanted to help him, but I learned today that perhaps it wasn’t really meant to be.

  12. I’ve only just heard about this as an INFJ thing. I’ve done this twice in my life. The first person, who i’d known for years, hurt me similarly to your experience of being the one investing more in the relationship. A couple of years later and they tried to contact me. nonono way haha. The second time was a friend who hurt my best friend. A year later and she contacted my best friend saying she was sorry etc, and my friend actually considered letting her back in, I was baffled. Other types aren’t so big on door slamming i guess

    • I’m sorry to hear that. It’s not an easy thing to do but sometimes it is necessary. I suppose most people figure they have nothing to lose. C’est la vie. Have a fantastic one!

  13. I’ve had to this three times in my life. All with my relationships. My first serious relationship was very back and forth. He wanted to be with me but he also thought other girls were a better option. He’d say mean and hurtful things, but always found time to make me feel bad if I didn’t do as he pleased. After three years, I had to go. DOOR SLAM; now with him I can be friends with him, but I would never in my life go back to a relationship with him. EVER! Second time I had a child with my boyfriend. We were the same people. I think he was more along the lines of INTP; he was mentally and emotionally unstable and with INFJs we always tend to want to help people even the ones who can’t be saved. We will attempt to save and possible drown in the process. I had to door slam him after 3 years as well because he was never faithful and I kept taking him back and after awhile the hurt was too much to keep a family together and bam DOOR SLAM; now I can talk to him and not have any feelings towards him whatsoever. I don’t hate him, but I don’t like him. My last door slam was just a few days ago. My ex boyfriend was telling others I didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t know if I wanted him or my past boyfriend, whom I door slammed, and he was single. A few days ago I found out for the past two months he was seeing some 18 year old girl and once I found out. My heart sank. I put so much effort into our relationship to make things work that it failed. He denied all the cheating even after showing him the proof, it was I never did anything with her. So last night, I had enough. DOOR SLAM! That’s one person I can honestly say I hate. I don’t hate many people because after awhile I forgive. I despise him. Like you said in your post. He’s the only one I got revengeful with. I wanted to destroy every ounce of his being. Kind of like the Poetic Justice INFJs are known to have. I gave into the darkness and I’m still trying to find a way out of it.
    Thanks for your post, btw. We are a lot alike.

    • hi britney it sucks having to do that to people but what can you do you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. i had to door slam my ex yesterday. she had cheated on my once before but i don’t mind giving some one a chance at redemption and i offered this olive branch to which she eagerly accepted months went by and all seemed ok again until she started coming home later and later

  14. I have had to door slam over the past month, if it’s appropriate to call it that. Mine was the second kind. We broke up, but I wanted to try to retrieve something from the relationship. So the person decided that this was a good time or excuse to push my buttons, hard. So I told her I never wanted to talk to her again. Yelled, more like it. That was a door slam, but I felt bad about it, so after a few weeks of cooling off, I tried to address our mutual issues. She just said she wasn’t attracted to me (after a year!) and so I said goodbye.

    So this was the order: I walked out the door, then I slammed it, and then I quietly closed it a final time.

    Thanks for your post!

  15. Hello Kate! I know it’s been more than a year since you wrote this post but I want to say that I empathise greatly with you on your second reason to door slam and I’m sorry it had to happen. The same thing happened to me, except it was with an ISFJ (I think). Meaningful, late-night conversations were gradually reduced to the occasional “How are you” messages (initiated by them) and I don’t see the point in talking deep to them anymore because they stopped being sincere/genuinely concerned about the friendship first. I used to give too much but I’m taking a step back now.

    I’d like to ask for your opinion on this too. In this case, what would you do if the person still occasionally contacts you, and you want to blatantly ignore their messages because it’s like a waste of time to reply and continue a superficial conversation, but you can’t because you will see them at social events (that you can’t avoid) and even though you want to treat them like they don’t exist at the social event, you can’t do that either because deep down you know they haven’t done anything that serious to warrant that treatment?

    Oh gosh, I’m sorry for that crazily long sentence – thank you for reading! As a fellow INFJ, your reply will mean lots.

    • Hey Summer! Now that is a tough question but I’ve been there before. Actually with the same person mentioned in the post. The way I see it, I will always be a friend to him, but it won’t be the same as it was before. Door slamming doesn’t always mean permanent exclusion per se. I chose not to be cruel but not to be completely open either. I hope you have a lovely day and thank you ever so much for reading! 🙂

      • Thank you for the reply, Kate! 🙂 I see what you mean now, and it makes perfect sense. I hope you have a beautiful day too ❤

  16. When I read this article-it was as if I had written it myself-about ME! i just recently have been doing research on the INFJ-Personality type. I never realized that my reason for “Door Slamming” certain people was actually due to my Personality Trait. Thank you so much for helping to educate me on this subject!

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