And by green I do not mean the pleasant kind that includes gardening and being outside in the warm sunshine. I mean jealousy. That horrid tyrant that sneaks in ever so quietly to steal your thoughts and rule your actions. To be completely honest I’ve felt like this for a few days now. I think I’ve put my finger on what bothers me most about this feeling.
I don’t feel good enough.
I feel insignificant. Useless. Worthless. The list goes on.
You see, I am not one to be wrapped up in possessions or popularity necessarily. All I want is to give affection and for it to be reciprocated. I want to feel validated. I get insecure and sometimes I need a little nudge to get going again. It’s pathetic, really, but I suppose everyone feels this way every once and a while.
I suppose I am hurt. And seeing someone else receive what I thought I deserved is just pouring salt in my wounds. I know I shouldn’t care. I know I should go on. Good riddance. But I do care. I always care. No, I don’t hate anyone in the situation. I can’t. Because I care. I will always care.
I suppose I feel used. They took what they wanted and left. That is the simple fact. It’s not that I am sheltered or naïve and this hasn’t happened before. It has. Many times. But it doesn’t really get any easier. I just learn to cope with it. We all do.
This post is not a pity post. I don’t need any of that. I just need to let my mind air out so I can heal. It’s hard to be independent at times when someone has left that used to make you so happy. You have to find some other source. Your heart behaves like a child. Fighting with tear filled eyes to get back to where things felt so amazing. Your mind picks up your heart and calmly walks to the door and closes it behind him. Your heart has to be coerced to love something else. It is resistant at first, but it soon eases its way back to a semi normal state.
It doesn’t forget, though. But then again neither does the mind. They both sit in silence reflecting on the past. Both know they cannot go back and they must be strong for each other. They will make it through as they have before, but this time with more bruises and scars than before.
As of now, my heart is beginning to stop crying out as much. My mind has soothed it into a lullaby sort of trance. Now it must find a replacement. I’m not sure what that is right now, but I hope it comes soon. That’s all I have right now. Hope. And I have a feeling that is all I need.
I hope you all are well and happy. I wish you all the best and I hope you all have a great day! Stay ever so incredible. I can never tell you that enough. And just keep hoping.
Loads of Love,