Trust is a big word with little meaning any more. For the past few days I have literally exhausted myself with feeling. I let someone in. I let them see part of me. I believe they are gone.
I feel betrayed. I tried to let them in the best I could but maybe it wasn’t enough. I feel like I am choking but I carry on as usual. Each day feels wasted to my never ending merry-go-round of thoughts. It’s all a repetitive blur. Sleep is the only rest I get. It’s so wonderful because in those few seconds that I begin to wake up, I feel nothing. I just exist.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I pace the floor just begging for something to distract my overwhelmed mind from its misery. Every time I hear their name or see their face in my mind I feel sick.
I feel insignificant. It’s as if nothing about me matters. It’s like all of my self conscious fears have become a reality. They pound in my mind. Maybe I’m not good enough. There must be something wrong with me.
The hardest part of it all is denying myself to build up more walls. I want them taller and thicker. My gut reaction is to not let anyone else in ever again. I can’t take it anymore. I feel I have a heart of glass. I want to hide in the corner of my mind and not come out. I try to push these feelings to the side, but it only makes me feel sicker.
I am trying to not give up on every one else. My rational mind is telling me that it will all be over soon and things will get better. My feelings are ordering bricks and cement by the tons.
As of now, I am not a peace. But I hope it is just around the corner.
Loads of Love,