Building Walls

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Trust is a big word with little meaning any more. For the past few days I have literally exhausted myself with feeling. I let someone in. I let them see part of me. I believe they are gone.

I feel betrayed. I tried to let them in the best I could but maybe it wasn’t enough. I feel like I am choking but I carry on as usual. Each day feels wasted to my never ending merry-go-round of thoughts. It’s all a repetitive blur. Sleep is the only rest I get. It’s so wonderful because in those few seconds that I begin to wake up, I feel nothing. I just exist.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I pace the floor just begging for something to distract my overwhelmed mind from its misery. Every time I hear their name or see their face in my mind I feel sick.

I feel insignificant. It’s as if nothing about me matters. It’s like all of my self conscious fears have become a reality. They pound in my mind. Maybe I’m not good enough. There must be something wrong with me.

The hardest part of it all is denying myself to build up more walls. I want them taller and thicker. My gut reaction is to not let anyone else in ever again. I can’t take it anymore. I feel I have a heart of glass. I want to hide in the corner of my mind and not come out. I try to push these feelings to the side, but it only makes me feel sicker.

I am trying to not give up on every one else. My rational mind is telling me that it will all be over soon and things will get better. My feelings are ordering bricks and cement by the tons.

As of now, I am not a peace. But I hope it is just around the corner.

Loads of Love,
Kate
xoxo

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4 thoughts on “Building Walls

  1. I know exactly how you feel…every word you just wrote are words I could have written myself! Moments like the one you just described make me wish I was someone else…someone whose heart didn’t break so easily, who had the ability to override emotions with logic. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find peace soon. Maybe distracting yourself with something that makes you happy, like sketching, would help…even if it is just temporarily. Stay strong, my fellow INFJ!

    • Thank you! And it’s getting better. I’ve found a few things that keep my mind off of it. I’m trying to teach myself that I can’t just hide inside myself forever when something goes wrong. Granted I need some alone time to get back to myself again. It’s a tough balance! haha 🙂 Thank you for your support! It’s greatly appreciated. Have a good one!

  2. sometimes the way we feel towards a certain situation can bring out the best in us.. like in what you’re in right now, though you feel that way.. you wrote it here and made everyone who can read it feel that way too.. that’s an awesome skill for a blogger. putting the audience in your shoes.. but please i hope to here positive and cheerful you in your next blogs.. you can do that! 🙂

    • Thank you! I’m coming around. Each day feels better and I’m slowly beginning to return to normal. Cheerfulness will be here soon enough! haha Thanks for reading and the support! Have a good one! 🙂

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