Getting to Know an INFJ


Getting to know an INFJ can be hard work, no joke. I definitely feel for any confused individual out there who is attempting to learn more about their INFJ acquaintance. Don’t worry though and please don’t give up! It can be tricky business, but I reassure you it will be worth it in the end! I thought I would take the time to point out a few things I do when I really want to get to know someone better. Maybe these will help you determine just what your INFJ is thinking about a potential relationship be it romantic or friendly in nature. So here they are!

1. Initiating or responding positively to contact- Granted this one is for any type, but it is especially crucial for INFJs. For the most part I observe from a distance and I pick and chose who want to interact with. It’s not that I will reject or ignore someone who takes the time to talk to me. It’s just that when I chose to walk up to someone and initiate any sort of contact, it means that for some reason I find that person particularly interesting. Maybe their kind eyes caught my attention or the way they smile warmly at others when they speak. This may not be true for all INFJs, but I know I am especially attracted to warm hearted people. I can practically spot them anywhere. (One good thing about being an INFJ is the ability to read someone from across the room. Sometimes I just get hunches about people. For the most part I am right!) Those are the people I generally try to associate with. People with arrogant temperaments normally rub me the wrong way so I silently will slip away and find someone I feel I can have a stimulating conversation with.

2. Making lots of eye contact- I have always been on the shy side (although shyness and introversion are often synonymous to most people this is not the case. Just because someone is introverted does not mean they are necessarily shy.) They say the eyes are the window to the soul. INFJs tend to keep their soul hidden beneath layers of thoughts, ideas and feelings. We do not usually show our feathers until we are ready. So naturally letting others take a peek through our windows is not as alluring as it seems. I know when I want to get close to someone I make eye contact as frequently as possible. Granted it may be in short spurts. Sometimes when I am talking to a person I get a little nervous so my eye contact is a little shaky. It’s not that I am trying to ditch whoever I am talking to. I am just evaluating (shakily) as I go.

3. Revealing personal things- One thing that is consistent with INFJs is their lack of trust towards most people. Someone may try to get to know me, but until I am completely comfortable with them they may as well be getting acquainted to a wooden fence post. I dance around subjects until I know that they are staying right where they are. I have to feel as though I don’t have to worry about them disappearing into thin air if I look away for a brief moment. I would have to say this blog is probably the most personal thing I share with people I don’t know very well. It can be very uncomfortable for me at times, but I try to press through. Another example is my love for drawing. Sometimes I like to take the time and just lock myself in my room and sketch to my heart’s content. I’ve spent hours before just doodling my life away and loving every minute of it. Even though I spend so much time doing it and it brings me so much joy, I have shown very few people my work. I suppose it’s because I feel as if those sketches are a part of me. And unless I trust you, you will never see the real me.

4. Becoming “extroverted”- This is where the INFJ becomes especially tricky. Often times people will mistake an INFJ for an extrovert because of their general interest in people and their sudden bursts of social energy. I know that if I am with trusted friends, I can be extremely loud and obnoxious. If others see me in this state, they often think I am extremely outgoing and fun. But, lo and behold, the next day when they speak to me I am quiet and reserved. Where did the outgoing Kate go? She is still there. Sort of. You see, I must trust whoever I am around in order to be more on the extroverted side. I can’t keep it up forever though. I don’t see how you extroverts do it! It’s exhausting! As soon as I get tired from my sudden outburst I revert back to my INFJ ways. It’s not that I’m trying to confuse people or be something I am not. It just happens. Like meteor showers or crop circles. You don’t know exactly why or how it works but you don’t question it when it comes.

So these are a few things that INFJs do when they truly want to get to know someone. (At least in my experience.) I definitely encourage any INFJ opinions (or any other types for that matter. You guys are all welcome here!) on this post. I would love to hear any differences or similarities you all experience.

I hope these points were not too obscure for those people out there trying to get to know an INFJ. One thing you must always remember is that we love genuine, caring people who will always be there. Stability is a must for an INFJ. As long as you show your INFJ that you truly care for them they will eventually let down their walls and let you in. Just don’t give up! 

Have a fantastic one wherever you are and stay amazing!

Loads of Love,


28 thoughts on “Getting to Know an INFJ

  1. Every word is spot-on! Opening up to people is a really big deal to us, and if the other person judges or insults us, we will slam that door shut and never open it again. Trust is huge for us. I know what you mean when you say your sketches are like part of your soul and it’s hard to show them to people. I am the same way with my writing and poetry. It’s so personal, and I feel extremely vulnerable showing it to anyone.

  2. I can relate to every point on here. Specifically loved this, “Someone may try to get to know me, but until I am completely comfortable with them they may as well be getting acquainted to a wooden fence post.” I don’t let people into my personal world unless I feel that they are trustworthy and even then I approach with caution. Any form of art included. It’s expression on the deepest level and feels too personal to share, baring your soul and putting it on display… I’ve been accused of being cold and rude because of that. After feebly attempting to explain that it isn’t really anything personal and still receiving the same contempt, that’s when I realize that those people will never truly understand, and they’re not worth my time… Resulting in a lot of awkward silence from there on out if the relationship is forced to continue.

    • Very true! I know I can come off as rude and uninterested but that is simply not true. I love people and I actually care more than I let them see. Most people just don’t want to put their time in to something if they can’t see immediate results. But if you ask me, the more time you have invested in something, the more precious it becomes. (Of course my opinion is biased though! haha) I also notice that once people walk away I want to build my walls higher and thicker than before because I feel as if I don’t belong and I never will. I have been trying to combat this but it’s a real struggle. My feelings can either be my strength or my crutch. There never really is an in between.

      Thank you for reading and commenting! Best wishes! 🙂

      • Haha, I absolutely agree! We just want a place to belong and these feelings can be so strong sometimes that they become the biggest battle we’ll ever have to fight. Keep up the good work! 🙂

  3. You pretty much described my whole “friending” process haha. I think there should just be an INFJ pamphlet that we can hand out to potential friends, letting them know what to look out for lol. Another great post ^_^

  4. Hi Kate. That’s very true especially No.4 and No. 3. To open up to someone is really difficult for me but i’ll tell almost everything to someone I truly trust.
    Anyway, thank you so much for sharing. I feel so warm inside to know that there are some people who feel the same.

  5. I could not have explained this better! Very spot on. As an INFJ most people who know of me, do not know me at all. Another big point u mentioned was the trouble making eye contact for long periods of time. OMG I do not like people looking to deeply into my eyes I feel robbed. Lol. Great article. Thnx.

  6. Hey! I am meeting an INFJ girl that I’ve been talking with online for a month for a first date tomorrow! I am an ENFP and would like some tips on getting her to open up or at least feel comfortable with me!

    • Just be yourself (too cliché, I know) because she can sense a front and be sure to listen to her. Being an introvert can be discouraging sometimes because you feel as if no one is listening. Make sure you make her feel special by asking her about her interests or her outlook on life. You shouldn’t worry too much though. Considering she has agreed to go out with you then you are already ahead of the game. And from what I hear ENFPs are lovely souls! Best of luck! 🙂

  7. Hi Kate,

    Just adding some little info, based on experience, since INFJ are truly introvert, when we feel exhausted we tend to “slipping away” or “backing off” and often regarded as anti-social by most people, while in fact s/he just “recharging”. As most introverts do…

    But I do agree with points you wrote, great post!

    Do you often get hunch(es) about people too?

    As INFJ yourself, what do you think about INFJ, Kate?
    Non-INFJ people (most of them) interpreted INFJs as loner, anti-social, unfriendly, too quiet, and I’ve know someone who has been called as freak/mentally ill. Truthfully, it hurts. While being the rarest MBTI personality, we’re still human, no?

    • Hello Demi! Being an introvert can be a little scary at times, can’t it? I think introverts in general are amazing creatures full of great ideas and incredible strengths. INFJs and all introverts definitely hold a special place in my heart. Just keep on being the awesome introvert that you are! And thank you for reading! 🙂

  8. Hi, great read! It was very interesting to understand what INFJs are like: 🙂

    Im just wondering, how do i get an INFJ to trust me? I am an ENFJ and there’s this person that I really want to get to know and be close with. We’ve been friends for quite the time and I’m actually starting to get the ‘feelings’ for her. But obviously, I cant really go for anything if there’s nothing to work with…

    I really want to be there for her and be the person for her to turn to, but i havent really established that trust? I mean it’s there and all… but how do i develop it?

    • Thank you for reading! First and foremost, don’t stop trying. Introverts in general tend to be rather closed up and need an established trust to get their interest off the ground. Secondly, just be yourself. Being an ENFJ, undoubtedly you tend to feel quite a bit for people and want to help them achieve more from within themselves. Just keep in mind that time and patience are the biggest factors. Introverts have a deer in headlights complex when it comes to new people and situations. Just give them time to adjust and just be there. Caring counts. Have a lovely one!

    • Thank you for reading! In my opinion getting to know anyone involves investment of time and listening to what that person has to say. Most introverts in general are fairly guarded people, so showing interest and establishing trust is key. It may take time, but if you truly want to get to know this person it is well worth it. Once you have made an INFJ friend, you have made a friend for life. Have a wonderful one!

  9. Pingback: 5 Reasons INFJ Personality Type is so Difficult to Understand – Evolve Me

  10. Pingback: 5 Reasons INFJ Personality Type is so Difficult to Understand – Awareness Act

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