As you may know, I am indeed a Southerner. By that I mean a citizen of the states below the Mason Dixon. Southern culture is quite unique from different areas of the U.S. One of the many things that make us so unique is our colloquialisms. Sometimes people from different regions do not understand Southern slang, so I am here to be your tour guide through the magical and humid world of Southern culture. Ya ready? Let’s go!
Bless your/his/her heart– Okay this is practically the staple and building block of Southern vernacular. No doubt the early settlers of the South shook their weary heads in pity and said this timeless phrase to the neighbor that just couldn’t get anything right. You see, ‘Bless (insert pronoun here) heart’ is basically a license for someone to say anything bad about you that they want. If one does not bless your heart before speaking a harsh truth about you they are automatically seen as cruel and insensitive.
Normally the insults that follow the heart blessing are things that are blatantly obvious but for some reason were necessary to point out. Don’t misunderstand though; Southerners aren’t necessarily mean, vicious people. It’s actually like saying ‘No offense’ or ‘Sorry’ before giving a blow that could crush someone’s hopes and dreams. The blessing reassures that no ill will is intended, but rather that whatever flaw the subject has needs to be pointed out at that given moment. (A book could be written about this phrase. Believe me.)
Now that you know the basic phrase of the South, allow me to introduce you to some lines that can soon follow a good heart blessing. (And yes, these are all insults. Please note this post is all in good fun…unless the shoe fits…)
He/she is uglier than homemade sin– This is a common saying that you would no doubt hear if you were to visit the South. Sin of course is the ugliest substance on earth. Nothing can be compared to it, really. Then of course, the homemade part is the adjective that really hits it home. (Everyone knows that homemade anything is pretty much destined to be quite homely.)In other words, that person is not just as ugly as sin, they are uglier than a batch of homemade sin. That’s gotta hurt.
He/she fell outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on their way down– This one always makes me laugh…I know, I’m horrible. (Naughty Kate.) Of course it isn’t enough to hit just one brach on the ugly tree. This person went all out.
He/she could make a train take a dirt road– Another funny one. The thought of a train actually derailing and detouring on a dirt road is quite an interesting visual. They must look pretty bad.
He/she was beat in the face with the ugly stick– A variation of the ugly tree. No doubt the stick used in this assault was pulled from the ugly tree. It just makes sense.
He/she is too poor to pay attention– You know once you’ve reached this point, you don’t have much. This can also be used as a financial insult.
He/she don’t have the brains the dear Lord gave a fence post– This one is pretty easy. To be honest, I have met a few people that could qualify for this one.
He/she ain’t firing on all four cylinders– If you know anything about cars, you know this means they aren’t exactly working at capacity…mentally speaking.
He/she wouldn’t know their hind end from a hole in the ground– This one is pretty common and comes in more crude variations, if you catch my drift.
He/she is a few bricks shy of a load– This one’s pretty bad. You gotta watch these kinds of people. Watch them really close.
Well those are a few insults that you may come across down South. There are many more that I have neglected to mention, but if I wrote about them all we would be here for a long time. Trust me on that one. I probably had too much fun writing this post…nah. I hope you have a good one wherever you are!
Loads of Love,