You know what I’m talking about. The terrible, dream crushing, heart wrenching, suck-the-wind-out-of-your-sails-and-air-out-of-your-lungs destination. Yep, the friend zone. (Epic and maniacal music) Duh-duh…DUH!!! Worse than no-man’s land, the Black Death and both World Wars combined. (Please excuse the over dramatization.) We have all been there and no one EVER wants to go back. You know where I’m coming from.
You flashback to your high school English class and behold, you see your crush sitting drowsily through a speech about how transitions are to be used and a brief rant of the prohibition of cell phones and how any other form of fun is not tolerated. Anyways, you see his gently tousled hair, metal-filled smile and that blue t-shirt he always seems to wear on tuna sandwich Tuesday. (Not that you are keeping tabs on him in your sparkly pink binder covered in hearts and his poetic name…) He looks your way and you bear an oh-my-lanta-he’s-looking-at-me smile and his mouth starts to move.
“Can you hand me that?” he says in his some-what deep voice.
Time stands still and suddenly the room has become fifty degrees hotter, along with your rosy red face. And why exactly is his face surrounded by rays of sunshine and angels strumming on harps? After about a minute of gawking, you look down at the direction of his pointed finger and notice his half-chewed mechanical pencil lying at your feet. You quickly, but not exactly gracefully, grab it in your sweaty hand and clumsily put it in his. He tips his head and turns back around to the front of the room. It’s official, he just made contact and you’ve lost what was left of your already miniscule dignity. Way to go, Tiger.
You slowly hyperventilate from happiness at your gum-covered desk and jump at the sound of the bell. You quickly get up, grab your books and try to get to the door when he does. He turns and says, “Hey, are we still on for Thursday?”
You stammer and slowly nod.
“Great! Cause Trig is killing me! Thanks for agreeing to tutor me. You’re a great friend.”
Pause. Wait…what did he say? Rewind a few seconds. Did he just say friend? Yep, he did. Suddenly your once butterfly filled stomach drops to your worn out Chucks.
As if the moment couldn’t get any worse, that blonde that tortured you throughout middle school magically poofs her way next to him and grabs his hand. Surprise! He’s not only your new ‘friend.’ He is also the other half to the girl who made three years of your life a literal nightmare. Talk about a double whammy. What does he see in her? She’s always hauling around that fake Coach purse and matching personality. So what if she cheers, won homecoming queen and drives a convertible. Big deal…yeah, a really big deal.
So we have all been there before. Well, most of us anyway. Apparently, karma finds it funny to snatch the rug out from under our feet when we least expect it. This is madness. This is the Friend Zone.
We have either been the zoner or the zonee. It may sound cruel, but it always feels better to be the zoner. At least it won’t be you sobbing your heart out while watching The Notebook/ You’ve Got Mail/ Titanic all while scarfing enough Ben and Jerry’s to put most people into a comatose state. And then there is listening to music. Suddenly, every Adele song you hear becomes your life’s theme song. Black and grey are your new favorite colors and you truly consider becoming a nun. Well, maybe not that far, but you get the point. Everything becomes dramatic.
The little scenario in your head that you improved every day has been crushed and now you have to think about boring things, like doing laundry or finishing that stupid project. Suddenly it smacks you like a ton of bricks that you won’t be having 2.5 children together, one of which was going to be named after him. You won’t have that nice house that looks like it was pulled out of a Pottery Barn magazine that overlooks sunny Main Street, USA. Face it, the station wagon and dog are gone too. It’s a shame. Rex loved playing in that yard. You pretty much have to change your whole view about that person. It won’t be the same, but you still try anyway.
The thing about the Friend Zone is that it pushes you away from potential disaster and drags you, kicking and screaming, to “The One” you were always meant to be with. Well, at least that’s what I’ve heard. Little do you know that the guy you really wanted actually has back acne and an obsession with his mom. Who needs that baggage? Now you’ve met a great guy with a nice car and shares in your love for Marvel comics and ice cream.
The Friend Zone sounds like the end of the world, but it’s really not. If you think about it, it’s actually an open door to find someone with a better smile, great sense of humor and no back acne. Whether you are the zoner or the zonee, life will get better eventually. Just don’t do anything crazy, like join a traveling circus or insist on becoming a live crash-test dummy.
Stay sane and happy, my friends! Keep calm and carry on.
Lots of Love,